Asserting Introversion Needs

From: V Layne 
Date: Sat, 22 Jun 2002 16:25:09 -0400


Hi Mychelline!

> A week or so ago, I would have told you my only problem was asserting my 
> needs as an introvert.  In the meantime, however, a session with my 
> therapist made me aware that I seem to have internalized a lot of the toxic 
> messages from my mother in particular about how Introversion Is Bad, 
> without realizing I did so.  I mean, I *thought* I knew it was okay to be 
> an introvert, and I have tried telling others in my family about 
> introversion generally and me specifically (haven't gotten through to any 
> of them yet, though),  but I'm starting to realize that all along, I was 
> maybe trying to convince myself as much as them (that there's nothing wrong 
> with me).  

Ayup.  That's often the case.  A magic spell for you to use, to see
into the minds of men: Where you see someone trying very hard to
convince someone of something, there look for doubt.  As Pirsig
observed on this topic, in _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
Maintanence_, nobody goes around insisting that "The sky is *blue*!
*Blue* I tell you!"

You've bitten through a very substantial thing, with this discovery.

> My therapist wants me to learn how to "just be", instead of hiding in plain 
> sight like I've spent my life doing.  I'm trying to figure out who I am so 
> I can just be that person, but I'm not sure how to be a healthy adult 
> introvert, since I don't have any role models to observe.  It would've been 
> helpful over this past weekend, for instance, if I'd known how to assert 
> introverted needs.  

For assertion of needs in general, I recommend _Self-Assertion for
Women_ by Pamela Butler, which sounds from it's title like a really
cheezy book, but is actually way cool.  (Won't help with figuring out
what those needs are, though.)

> I was in eastern KY with my husband and his parents, 
> visiting their distant kin.  My in-laws, who are usually very introverted, 
> seemed to want to spend every waking minute either with these kin (none of 
> whom *I'd* ever met before), or with Jeff and I.  There were a couple of 
> times over the course of the 4 day trip when I could feel myself on the 
> verge of screaming ... if I couldn't get away from talk, talk, talk.  Yet, 
> especially when we were at strange people's houses, where could I go and be 
> by myself?  These people live in tiny little houses (coal shack tiny houses 
> -- *really* tiny),  I don't know them and they don't know me -- could I 
> have just walked around in the yard, say? (well, I tried that, but people 
> followed me around, talking to me).  My own family is used to my 
> peculiarities, and with them when I've reached my limit, I just leave, take 
> a walk, go read a book, take a nap, etc.  They think I'm odd, but I've been 
> doing that stuff all my life, so they're used to it.  I feel awkward doing 
> that (or attempting to do that) with strangers.

AHA!  You've given me something very precious: a memory of my
grandfather, which I hadn't though of in a long time.

When he came to visit my family, he would go for a walk.  Sometimes he
would invite me along with, since I am good at companionable silences.

Things I might do: "I'm feeling so overwroght from the
excitement/trip, do you have a quiet place where I might lie down for a
little while?"

"Those woods are so lovely, if you don't mind, I'm going to steal my
sweetie away for a romantic walk just the two of us."

The thing is, neither (1) just leaving nor (2) explaining will work.
If you try to just wander off, as you noticed, they'll just follow
you.  If you try to explain "I'm an introvert and..." that will just
make things difficult and provoke misunderstanding. It puts this big
conceptual mountain in the way, which they have to get over before you
can get to your needs; it's the long way around.

What you need to do is be able to verbalize in your mind the answer to
the question "What do I need right now?" and "What would meet that need?"
then you need to ask for it, or assert that you're going to take it.

"Oh, heavens, I'm getting fuzzy-minded.  I could really use some quiet
time to refocus."

The other thing is, if they're *his* in-laws, make *him* help.  Tell
him specifically what you need (an hour of silence, a half-hour walk,
whatever), and ask him how best to get your needs met without
offending your in-laws.

Other useful tricks: watching movies can be a socially isolating
phenom, which can be exploited; TV is less useful because people are
used to talking over the TV.  Engineer time away from the big horde by
attaching yourself to the more shy and retiring child there, and offer
to take her out for ice cream or some such quality time.  Ask to go to
Church.  

> > > Oh, and something I've been thinking about all day at work (where I can't
> > > get to my home email) -- do you know of a good healthy adult role model 
> > for
> > > introverts?  

For me, a big help was heroic fiction, mostly fantasy and science
fiction.  Lots of introverts there.  I can't think of anything which
has really specific scenes which could be read text-book style (well,
there's a brief passage in _The Fountainhead_ by Any Rand, but that's
a controversial work) to show "how it is done."

The thing for me was getting a strong sense of a positive model of
someone who was an introvert, and being able to extrapolate "what
would they have done?"  Sorta.  What would Spock do?  the Doctor
(Dr. Who)?  Gandalf?  Obi-wan (1st movie)?  Sherlock Holmes?
Robinton, Manora, Silvina?  Cordelia, Aral?  Stile, Zane?  
Mr. Miyagi?  Monsieur Gorodish?  Chairiste?  Indigo?